In a surprise announcement early Thursday morning, the White House confirmed that former President Donald J. Trump has been elected as the new Pope of the Catholic Church, a move that has stunned theologians, cardinals, and hairstylists worldwide.
Press Secretary Kayleigh McReborn delivered the news from a golden podium flanked by Swiss Guards now outfitted in MAGA-red uniforms. “We are proud to announce that His Holiness Pope Donaldus Magnus I will now lead the Catholic Church. Effective immediately, he is both Pontifex Maximus and Executive Chairman of Heavenly Affairs.”
The announcement came just hours after smoke from the Sistine Chapel chimneys turned a peculiar shade of orange, prompting confusion until Trump himself emerged on the balcony in full papal regalia—bedazzled in sequins, naturally—waving to the crowd with his signature two-handed thumbs-up.
Vatican Shake-Up
In his first act as Pope, Trump signed a decree renaming the Vatican “Vatican Trump Resort & Casino,” promising tax-free indulgences, premium pew seating, and an exclusive rosary line through Trump Faith & Lifestyle™.
He also unveiled a new religious slogan:
“Make Heaven Great Again.”
According to insiders, Pope Donaldus has already redecorated the papal apartments with gold fixtures, leopard-print altar cloths, and a golf simulator in the Sistine Chapel. The Last Supper mural has reportedly been altered to include Trump breaking bread while the apostles admire a 1/6th scale model of Mar-a-Lago.
Reaction from the Faithful
Responses have been mixed.
“I don’t know if this is canonically legal,” said Cardinal Giuseppe Delirium. “But he does have a very holy Twitter following.”
Trump supporters, on the other hand, celebrated wildly. “It’s a divine promotion,” said one Q-cardinal from Ohio. “First the presidency, now the papacy. Next up: CEO of the Milky Way.”
Theological Innovations
Pope Trump is expected to introduce several new doctrines, including:
- The Gospel of Wealth Accumulation
- The Beatitudes, Revised (now featuring “Blessed are the Dealmakers”)
- And the Papal Bull Market
He’s also launched an initiative to build a wall around Hell “and make the sinners pay for it.”
Final Blessing
In his inaugural Papal Address, Trump stood before St. Peter’s Basilica, raised both hands, and declared:
“Frankly, folks, no one’s ever been more holy. People are saying I’m the most tremendous Pope. Saint Peter? Nice guy, but never had the kind of crowd sizes I do. Believe me.”
As choirs of angels adjusted their teleprompters, one thing became clear: the Church may never be the same again.
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