In a move that has baffled political analysts, physicists, and several farm animals, former President Donald Trump announced today that he is “already winning” at 5D chess — a game so complex it doesn’t technically exist.
Standing at a hastily organized press conference in front of a board that appeared to be a spray-painted Twister mat, Trump proudly explained his new strategy:
“Folks, it’s incredible. Very complicated, very high-level stuff. They said it couldn’t be done — but I’m doing it. It’s like regular chess, but you’re playing on five different levels. Up, down, sideways, into the future, and frankly, back into the past. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it. Einstein? Very smart guy, sure, but frankly, he didn’t even think of this.”
Sources close to the former president say he has spent months mastering the game, which reportedly involves yelling “Checkmate!” randomly while knocking pieces off the board and declaring victory no matter the situation.
Aides describe his style as “aggressively unpredictable,” often mixing traditional chess pieces with Monopoly money, Uno cards, and something he calls the “Golden Knight,” which is just a tiny statue of himself.
Dr. Genevieve Lonsdale, a theoretical physicist at MIT, was seen weeping openly after trying to explain how 5D chess might theoretically work:
“He… he created a sixth dimension… through sheer confidence.”
Meanwhile, Trump elaborated on his broader strategy:
“People don’t understand — when I lose a pawn? That’s winning. When I get checkmated? That’s double-winning. It’s 5D logic, folks. Beautiful logic. The best logic.”