Trump Announces Bold Plan to “Return Alaska” to Russia, Calls It a ‘Friendly Real Estate Deal’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that stunned historians, economists, and anyone with a globe, former President Donald Trump announced today that he would “make history again” by giving Alaska back to Russia. Trump described the decision as “the greatest property deal in world history — even better than the one we did with Greenland, which sadly didn’t happen.”Speaking from a gold-plated podium at Mar-a-Lago, Trump declared, “Alaska is beautiful, but it’s cold, very cold — some people say too cold. Russia’s used to that. They love cold. They do it better than anyone. Frankly, it’s a perfect fit.”When pressed by reporters about the legality of handing over an entire U.S. state, Trump waved off concerns, saying, “Look, it was Russia’s first. They sold it for pennies — bad deal, very bad deal. I’m just fixing it, making it fair. Nobody has ever been fairer to Russia. Except maybe me.”‘Trump Tower Siberia’ Already in the WorksSources close to the former president revealed that the plan includes a multi-billion-dollar luxury development in the newly reacquired territory, tentatively named Trump Tower Siberia: The Frozen Gold Edition. The complex will feature “the largest indoor golf course north of the Arctic Circle” and “world-class igloo penthouses.”Putin Praises ‘Most Generous American’Russian President Vladimir Putin reportedly welcomed the move, calling Trump “a visionary leader” and “the only American who truly understands real estate diplomacy.” In a brief televised statement, Putin said, “We thank Donald for restoring this piece of our history. Also, the ice fishing is incredible.”Alaska ReactsMeanwhile, Alaskans are divided. Some expressed outrage at the idea of being traded like a collectible baseball card, while others were just relieved the news wasn’t about another oil pipeline debate.Anchorage resident Linda McKenzie told reporters, “I didn’t vote for this, but if they send free vodka and keep the moose, maybe it won’t be so bad.”As of press time, Trump’s team was reportedly drafting a follow-up proposal to “lease Hawaii to Elon Musk for rocket testing.”