In a press conference that began with the words “You’re not gonna believe this, folks,” former President Donald Trump announced his nominees for the 2025 Kennedy Center Honors: socialite Ghislaine Maxwell, music mogul Sean “P. Diddy” Combs, and comedian Bill Cosby.
“These are incredible people,” Trump said, while flanked by a gold curtain and a suspiciously large bottle of Diet Coke. “They’ve had a tough time, very unfair. The media has been horrible to them — horrible! And yet they’re still standing. That’s art. That’s courage. That’s America.”
Maxwell, currently serving a prison sentence, will reportedly be honored via a live feed from her cell, complete with a string quartet accompaniment. “She’s done a lot for the social scene,” Trump said. “People don’t talk about that. They talk about other things. Bad things. But I only know her from the yachts.”
P. Diddy, facing multiple civil lawsuits, is slated to perform a medley of his hits in what organizers are calling “the most awkward standing ovation in Kennedy Center history.” Trump praised him as “a business genius who understands branding — almost as good as me.”
Bill Cosby, who maintains his innocence despite decades of allegations, will receive the award in person. “America’s Dad,” Trump declared, “and frankly, maybe America’s Grandpa now. They tried to cancel him, but here he is, folks. Resilient.”
Critics have called the nominations “a surreal act of trolling” and “performance art in bad taste.” Supporters, however, hailed it as “finally some honesty in Washington.”
When asked if the controversial choices might overshadow the prestige of the Kennedy Center, Trump responded, “Prestige is overrated. Look at me — I made the presidency great again, and I can make the Kennedy Center great again too. Everyone said it couldn’t be done. Wrong!”
The ceremony is scheduled for November, with security expected to be “slightly more intense than usual” and the red carpet described by organizers as “a crime scene tape aesthetic.”