WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has stunned political analysts, real estate agents, and the ghost of Abraham Lincoln, former President Donald J. Trump has announced that he is officially putting the White House up for sale.
“Frankly, it’s a beautiful property,” Trump said at a surprise press conference held from a golden podium shaped like his own head. “Tremendous columns, great lawn, unbeatable location. Frankly, people have been begging me — BEGGING — to list it. So I said, let’s do it. Let’s sell the White House. Let’s make a deal.”
Trump, who insists he still “emotionally resides” at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, described the property as a “fixer-upper with historic vibes” and claimed it comes fully furnished “with secrets, skeletons, and the occasional top-secret document left behind for nostalgia.”
The listing on Zillow describes the White House as a “12-bedroom, 35-bathroom colonial estate with helicopter parking, a nuclear bunker (as-is), and ample room for rallies, tantrums, and world-ending decisions.”
Potential Buyers:
Rumors have already begun to swirl about interested buyers. Among the top contenders:
- Elon Musk, who is reportedly interested in turning it into a Tesla showroom with a built-in Mars launchpad.
- Jeff Bezos, who plans to convert the Lincoln Bedroom into a Prime Delivery Command Center.
- Vladimir Putin, who allegedly offered two palaces and a shirtless horseback photo in trade.
Mar-a-Lago to Be Named New Capital?
Trump floated the idea of moving the capital to Palm Beach: “Why not? It’s sunnier, it’s classier, and the food’s better. Washington is a swamp — we tried to drain it, but now I say just sell it.”
Bidding Wars and Bonus Offers
According to sources close to Trump, he’s “open to all offers,” but is prioritizing buyers who will agree to:
- Rename it “The Trump Presidential Luxury Hotel & Executive Spa”
- Build a gold-plated golf course on the South Lawn
- Let him continue using the Lincoln Bedroom for “late-night fast food and brainstorming sessions”
Asked if he had legal ownership of the White House, Trump responded, “Technically? Maybe not. Spiritually? I never left. And besides, Hunter Biden once parked in the wrong spot, so really — who owns what